Starwars...

Starwars was one of those horses that come along and completely change your life. 
He was there for me through so many ups and downs. 
Life without him still seems unimaginable.

I learned so much from owning him, loving him, 
and then loosing him that I will always be thankful for the time we had together. 

            

I cared for Starwars and his pasture buddy Champ for nearly five years, they belonged to a family I met through Starbucks and had become friends with. I went with them when they started looking for another trail horse. We drove out to Tomball to meet a man who had a few horses listed online. The grey we originally wanted to see had been sold but there was a pretty buskin mare available, and then there was him. I loved the mare, she was gorgeous, and quick, but a little more horse than what they were looking for. While I was riding her Starwars was over by the family being a ham to get attention. When I rode him the man told me he used to be ridden english and after playing with him for a few seconds he automatically went round. He wasn't the prettiest horse in the world but  in the end he charmed us all and we brought him home that day. Over the next few years we would trail ride all over town, I even took him through the drive through at Starbucks once. He went English, Western, bareback, or bridle-less I felt like I could do anything with him.

At the time I was riding about twice a week between college and work. I had even bought a english saddle and had my dad help me build a few jump standards to see what Starwars and I could do. Then sometime around 3:00am one Thursday morning I got a call that the barn was on fire. I immediately got dressed and got in the car, I couldn't ask about the horses, I just had to get out there. I remember seeing the flames from nearly ten miles away. When I pulled up everyone was standing outside the house watching the firefighters try to get the blaze under control. I walked up to the family and they told me the horses were okay and on the other side of the pasture grazing. I broke out in relieved tears and went to see for myself that they were okay. The next day that family suffered a personal tragedy that changed their lives forever. 

After some time had passed they decided to sell the horses. They told me they were trying to find them good homes and offered Starwars to me but at the time it wasn't possible for me to have a horse. They ended up not selling him until almost a year later. It had been so long that I thought they might have changed their minds so when I went out to give the boys treats one day and was told Starwars had been sold I was completely blind sided. I hadn't even gotten to say goodbye to him. Awhile after that Champ got out of his pasture and was hit by a car crossing the highway. Loosing both of them left me heartbroken.

It was nearly two years later early in November that I was browsing craigslist and saw an ad for an older appaloosa gelding for sale. From the picture it was hard to tell but it looked very similar to Starwars. It turned out to not be him but it made me wonder where Starwars had ended up and how he was doing. I talked to a guy who had been involved with the sale and found out where exactly was being kept. That weekend mom and I drove out to Liberty, TX to see if we could find him. We went down a county road and looked for the curve where his pasture was supposed to be and there he was.

I couldn't believe it. He was thin and the pasture was small, with no grass and a empty water bucket, but we had found him. He came up  as soon as we reached the fence and I gave him a few carrots and loved on him. I know there are worse cases of neglect out there but this was the thinnest I had ever seen him and it made me sick. I contacted the people who owned him and found out there had been some personal issues. The main person who had been caring for him was in jail and his sons didn't have the time to deal with him. I told them I'd like to buy him but they couldn't do anything until they spoke with their father. Over the next few weeks I kept urging them to talk to him, all the while driving the forty miles out there to give him hay and water when I could.

           Around Thanksgiving the family told me they weren't interested in selling.

I was so disheartened, I couldn't understand how I could have come this far, actually managed to find him only to be told there was nothing I could do. I wanted to keep pushing the family but was afraid they would move him somewhere I wouldn't be able to find him. There were lots of prayers during this time, from family, from friends, they all knew how much I loved Starwars and how badly I wanted to help him but I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do so we all kept praying. 

          Then on December 16th I got a call at work, it was one of the sons, they decided to sell me Starwars. 

I don't have the words to describe how elated I was. I was in the middle of my office crying happy tears in front of my boss and my bosses boss. Luckily they had known what was going on and were happy for me. We brought him home a few days later. I'll never forget actually getting him loaded onto the trailer and knowing he was safe. We took some pictures together to send out as Christmas cards thanking everyone for their prayers. The pictures sent on the cards were beautiful, but we had cropped them. The full pictures showed how incredibly malnourished he was. I knew it would take time to get him healthy again, and that at twenty something his condition had taken a toll on him.

In a few months he began to fill out amazingly and that following year seemed to pass in a blur. The land I was able to keep him at belonged to the owners of the company I work for Tommy and Renee. Forty gorgeous acres of pasture and woods along a river and with several lakes. All within five minutes from where I live and work. I would go out every morning and evening to feed Starwars and another horse out at the pasture, Cowboy. 

That year was thankfully peaceful with only few minor incidents. We would enjoy quiet rides whenever the weather was nice and he got to spend his days grazing happily with two pasture mates. I couldn't believe how much he changed during this time, he didn't have the musculature he'd once had but gained his weight back, and his skin, coat, mane and tail were all healthier. Most importantly he was back to his old self, adorable, cranky, loving old man that he was.

On March 11th while eating his morning grain Starwars choked. We took him to a vet where he had to be tubed twice to clear it. When we brought him it was obvious he was feeling a bit rough but after a few days of antibiotics he started grazing and wanting his grain again. A few weeks after that he seemed to be laboring to breathe and had a temperature. We took him back to the vet and found out he had developed aspiration pneumonia most likey from food particles entering the lungs when he had choked. They gave him some Penicillin and a heavy duty antibiotic called Gentamicin and sent us home.

The next morning when I went out to feed he was in one of the run in sheds, still breathing heavily but not as badly and his temp was down. That evening when I went out to feed he was standing under the trees with the other horses grazing around him, they came up to be fed but he stayed.  I walked over to see if I could get him to follow me but he wasn't interested. I went ahead and fed the others and was loading bags of cow feed when I saw him laying down. He stood back up so I thought he may have just rolled, but then he went down again. 

As I drove up to him he had gotten back to his feet,  walking up beside him I called the emergency vet line and left a message. He began swaying badly and stumbled onto his knees and face, I was afraid he would hurt himself so tried to ease him down. He fought for a minute, back legs braced, then went down. Watching him go down that time... I could feel in my heart he wouldn't be getting back up. I got down behind his neck and lifted his head into my lap and tried to keep him calm. He struggled some but never manged to lift himself. I called the vet again with no answer, then called Tommy. I told him Starwars was down and I didn't think he was going to make it. I couldn't watch him struggle all night, so I asked him to bring his gun. Then called mom to tell her what was going on. 

After I hung up I couldn't breathe. Thinking about what may happen, what we may have to do choked me and I could only keep stroking his neck, trying to keep him calm as I cried... two minutes later, it was over. He simply took one last breathe and was gone. I sat there, still stroking his neck, my tears stopped, and everything seemed quiet, I felt completely lost. The sun was shining. I couldn't believe the sun was still shining when my world had just stopped breathing.

At some point Tommy arrived. He dropped to one knee beside me and held me as I sobbed. It was as if the shock dissipated all at once leaving the reality of what happened to crash over me. I would never hear him nicker for his grain again, would never get to see that annoyed look he'd get when I hid his treats behind my back, would never watch him gallop across the pasture with the other horses. So many nevers.

He was buried in that beautiful spot under the trees. 

I've tried explaining grief so many times but the fact is it's different for everyone. Some days I can enjoy the memories I have of him and other times they bring a stinging knot to my throat. Writing this has taken weeks and has brought both smiles and tears. One quote that really seemed to ring true through all of this is by Elizabeth Kubler Ross "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same..."

          

Starwars - March 26th 2015

Below is a link to a video I made after Starwars passed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-YkZvXww2I